Pradish Poudel
कुरै नसुन्ने साथी सङ्गिनिलाई छोडेर गयो उ।
बाँचनै नदिने यो स्वार्थी संसारलाई छोडेर गयो उ।।
मुखमा राम-राम अनी बगलीमा छुरा भयको होला।
आदर्श छाट्ने यि ढोंगी अनुहारलाई छोडेर गयो उ।।
“What happens once you kill yourself? Because I’m ready to go.” I had this message 2 days back on my facebook messenger from my close friend over so many years. Yesterday, I can’t believe he actually did it. I am so shocked and overwhelmed by the news he committed suicide, but I am also feeling incredibly guilty. I can’t help but wonder what I could have done differently or if there was anything that could make difference, if only I had replied to his text seriously. He’s so funny & down to earth that I never thought he would take this step and thus make fun of his clue. During these COVID Lock Down period, I’m not the first person where I have to arrange my own friend funeral. There are 1105 Cases Reported from Nepal within 79 Day. I don’t know why? Why this blunder is much among young generation? Whether its exam pressure or affairs problem or family matter or what? And now I have written this to answer my friend’s question, all his questions which may cross of yours if you are also thinking for the same. I couldn’t save my friend from this cold, dark and lonely world but I wish to save someone, I only wish to make a change, even its small one. I just want to do more than exist.
So you want to commit suicide. You want to know what happens once you kill yourself? Yes, the pain will end for you, but what about your loved ones? What about the split second moment of when your parents or siblings walk into your room reminding you that dinner is ready, but instead they see their dead child in front of their eyes? Your mother comes to your room and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. The pain you had will now be moved onto your family. Their world will become so dark, they’ll blame themselves every single day. ”Was it something I did?” They’ll try to think it was all just a nightmare and they’re going to wake up from this dream and you’ll be alive. They won’t give up; they’ll try anything to not accept the truth.
So after killing yourself, and after your parents discovering your body, what will they have to do next? And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your work at time and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks.
Who’s going to ring the college saying a student has killed himself?
Who’s going to tell your best friends that you have taken your own life?
And at college your best friend sees that your seat is empty and he gets this sick feeling in his stomach and that’s when he hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly he’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all he wants is for you to hug him and tell him it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. And your professors’ who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall.
And then your girlfriend hears the news and she can’t breathe, she still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and she talks to you on Facebook but you never message her back, she can’t fall in love again because every boy she meets reminds her of you, she’s never going to get over you, she loved you and she cries herself to sleep every night, hating herself and slicing her skin because she couldn’t save you and she’s never going to hold you in her arms or hear you laugh again.
Who’s going to arrange the funeral? Who’s going to have to walk past your room every day, and just getting that sudden chill? Who’s going to pick out the photo at your funeral? Your friends and family will look that photo, and from that very moment, you will come to their mind; all of the memories, your face, your eyes, your smile, everything. Just because the pain ends for you, doesn’t mean the pain will just automatically end for everyone. Everyone will remember you. People who didn’t even have a conversation with you, will remember you. People on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram who have never even typed one word to you, will remember you. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. Everyone would feel guilty; an entire wave of shame will come upon them. People will cry so hard. They might even start to question their existence, their life. Your family will break apart; loved ones can sometimes turn on each other. They’ll have so much anger thinking that they should’ve done something before you made up your mind that they’ll start to throw that anger on the ones closest to them.
And so you killed yourself but you killed everyone else around you too.
Is the reason you want to kill yourself really worth it?
Do you think that nobody will care, your death will just quietly slip the town news and everyone will easily ignore it?
Do you think that you will be single forever and there’s no point for life anymore?
Let me tell you that there is at someone right now, who likes you a lot more than a friend. Someone who is willing to care for you, love you, make you smile. Someone is thinking about you right now. Killing yourself means that you would never know. You would never know that someone out there really did like you, and had a lot of feelings for you. You’re young; you have so much ahead of you.
जिन्दगी काडा कि फूल भनी सोधछ उ, म भन्छु काडा बीच को फूल , त्यो फूल जस्ले सबैलाई लोभ्याउछ तर काडा तेहि हो जस्ले फूललाई जोगाउछ ! साहेद तिम्रा यि तेस्तै २-४ बर्ष हुन् जस्ले त्यो सुनौलो भबिस्य सुनिश्चित पार्दै छ !
Yes, at times life does get so hard you just want to crawl up into a ball and wish you could just fade away. But you can pull through that, you can pull through anything. We’ve all been there, sitting at the end of our bed, our eyes becoming so tired from the tears, and just so many thoughts running through your mind.
But killing yourself is not the answer.
